36 hours until the polls open and I still don’t know

It’s Sunday night. The polls open in just 36 hours, Secretary of State Brian Kemp is touting “record” early voting turnout numbers, and I’m just sitting here twiddling my fingers trying to figure out what to do on Super Tuesday.

I jumped aboard the Randwagon long before he “officially” announced for President. Ah, the glory of having candidate that represents your values in every way: foreign relations, spending, the NSA, the Fed, a right of conscience – the whole shebang!

But like many others who supported a candidate who has since dropped out of the race, my dreams of casting a vote for a contender that thought like me have been shattered.

I hate to pop the balloon of Party loyals who despise libertarian Republicans, but I did have a second choice. Scott Walker. He wasn’t perfect, I had some concerns, and I wouldn’t wear his tshirt, but had he been the (R) on the ticket in November I could have made it work.

Now, I’m left with a field that ranges from cushy, heavy spending blue moderate to self-absorbed evangelical who uses his faith – my faith – for political gain to a not-so-present Senator to a KKK fascist who wants to deport rabble rousers in my field of work. And I don’t know what to do. I really don’t.

I would like to cast a vote for Rand Paul since he’ll still be in the ballot. That would be my conscience speaking. But there is one resounding problem with that conscience vote: It does nothing to defeat the Trump machine.

I find few things more terrifying than a Trump presidency. That’s not exaggerated fear mongering, but a bona fide disdain for everything he stands for. Eminent domain, Apple privacy, the NSA, affirmative action, his comments about and to women, capital punishment, the list goes on and on.

That leaves me with Carson, Cruz, Rubio, and Kasich.

If I were ever to be a single issue voter, that issue would be guns and Carson is on the wrong side of policymaking. Besides, everyone keeps talking about what how good he is with hands. Aside from the creepiness of that, what is the relevance to the presidency with such a statement? Dr. Carson is undoubtedly a good man, but he has failed to earn my vote.

Kasich is a smart man and a respectable Governor, but his record simply isn’t one I can get behind. Not now and not in November.

That leaves us with Rubio and Cruz. I feel like I just traveled down the road of choosing between the lesser of two evils during the July runoff in 2014. It didn’t bode well. I chose not to stay home and the day after I cast my vote, disclosures were released and showed “my” candidate received donations from an organization I hate the most. It didn’t exactly leave the best impression.

With the two remaining, I feel like I know less about both of them than when they announced. The continued attacks against each other as colleagues while they both skip important votes at their “regular job” have me concerned. I’m grateful for their dedication to power through and trying to lessen the blow of the Trump demagoguery, I am. But between the constant noise from supporters of both Cruz and Rubio on social media and the advertisements and emails from the candidates, I really don’t have a clue why either is actually running for office.

So, now what?

I’m not the kind of person who can easily be swayed, but I have not been blind to the fact that I need to listen to all of these people because one of them will be the nominee. I’ve read and read some more. But not a single one has earned my trust, my vote, or even my attention. I never believed, as someone who lives and breathes politics, that I would be a the “disengaged voter.” I never knew I would gripe about who I would have to vote for.

Let’s just say this actually is the most important election of our lifetime. Is it really supposed to be this painful for so many people? I’m not looking to be told how to vote or swayed one way or another. I’m genuinely trying to work my way through a ballot that seems like a lose-lose with my beliefs and I’m running out of time to do that.